Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
