Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
