there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
