I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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