mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
