so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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