my sisters under your porch take her home
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
