Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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