I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
