Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
