Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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