I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
