Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
