life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
