You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
