exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
