'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
