The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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