So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
