how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
