I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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