Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
