I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
