This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
