Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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