suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
