Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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