i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
