If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
