It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
