I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
