I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
