Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
