i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
