vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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