I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
