Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
