btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
