I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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