i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
