remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
