spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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