Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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