When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
