I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
