There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My ass is underappreciated
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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