no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
