Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
