I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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