I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
