Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
